003 How to Attach with Your Elementary Aged Child

Secure attachment creates resilience to bullying

Ways to “collect” your children

• Recommended Book: Hold On to Your Kids by Dr. Gordon Neufeld
• Together Time with your child as an investment in attachment
• Identifying with adults is an indication of a secure attachment
• The power of the regular rituals
• Amelia’s experience in France watching how rituals impact behavior and connection to family culture
• Family Dinners – and nice China dinner on Sundays
• Making tea as a ritual that slows us down and encouraging mindfulness
• Amelia’s teen friend who never had family dinner
• Morning rituals: devotions, day planning, etc.
• Rituals of coming and going
• Memory objects to foster emotional connection
• Children do more greeting of others than adults do
• Celebrate the arrival home of people
• Look into the eyes of your children and smile into their face
• Reading aloud while cuddling
• Inside jokes
• Stop and pause while reading aloud to discuss 
• Vacation/Staycation
• Take photos and reminisce together
• Family projects—work projects, making cookies, home renovations

Parents need to leverage their natural authority as the person who knows stuff and gives direction. Rather than google and outsource your authority in front of your child, do the research beforehand if possible. At least, put any internet facts into the context of your family culture.

Be your child’s safe place when they are overwhelmed. 

Joan’s client who connected her grandparents’ home with safety

Sometimes feeding your child to comfort them can be alright since it is so primal

“Comfort with Containment” is a reciprocal dynamic between parent and child. 

Elementary age grandchild who was asked to contain before the processing

Importance of teaching children to contain their distress to deal with reality away from Mom

Lawnmower Parent vs. Balanced Parenting

Containing distress is an important part of socializing children so that their peers and other adults will not reject the child and the child feels abandoned.

Many times, the behaviors of emoting distress in dramatic ways because habitual. Children can learn to express their distress in socially acceptable ways so that they can access support.

• Have a pet name for your child to create unique attachment

How to comfort others in distress:

Three-part brain description: Reptilian (Brain stem), Mammalian Brain (Limbic system etc), Humanistic Brain (Neocortex)

When a child is distressed, their prefrontal cortex goes offline

You may escalate the stress by trying to problem-solve too soon after the distress. 

Instead, hold, comfort and reassure your upset child. Possibly give a bath to relax their bodies. 

Soothe a child through their body systems (on the Reptilian Brain level) and through the feeling level (Mammalian brain)

Don’t use too many words when comforting them. Cry with your child if it feels right.

Wrap in a warm blanket, hug them, rock them, put them in a warm bath, feed them from your hand. Sleeping with them, cuddling with them. 

Save the problem solving for after the child is comforted. 

Warning signs of peer dependence:

• If your child is overly devastated by peer drama/rejection
• If your child rejects parental authority/comfort/counsel
• If your child needs to be constantly connected with their peers
  • Don’t give elementary aged children screens/phones

One of the tasks for parents is to help their children to become socially acceptable while remaining securely attached to parents.

Small changes are enough to make big results. Choose one thing and implement it.