Families with Dash

Why Delaying Gratification for Kids is Crucial

Most parents don't realize that powerful research shows that the ability to delay gratification in children is the most important factor for life success. Not grades. Not genius intelligence. Not money. The most important factor (after having a reasonable level of intelligence) is the trait Concientiousness. That's a fancy way to say, "Ability to delay gratification." Heres an important podcast that points to these facts. 

014 How pets and animals benefit your family

"A puppy? I can't take having a puppy!" We've all said it, right? And it is true that pets can be a significant stressor when you have very young children. But pets can teach important lessons of empathy, love, patience, and loyalty to our older children. In this podcast, Amelia and Joan discuss the benefits of having family pets and why it might be worth the effort to invite an animal into your family. 

013 Homeschool intro for newbies

We know there are tons of questions, concerns, hopes and dreams around homeschooling your children. Here are some key concepts by experienced homeschool moms and the research based insights from a clinical mental health counselor. Let us know what other issues you want addressed!

012 Answers to your homeschooling questions

This gives answers to your homeschooling questions. The questions you have wanted to ask and the answers that you need. Enjoy!

011 Ways to stop yelling

Maybe you are trying to go the "gentle parenting" route but find you are yelling at your children more. You are not alone. Here are some solutions to that unhealthy habit of yelling.
 
 

010 Amelia’s Homeschool Veteran Sister talks from the homeschool trenches

Hear from a super experienced, second-generation homeschool mom of five children ages 10-18 years old. She has successfully navigated the issues that may be challenging you -- and you will get some concrete ideas to inspire you! 
 
Purchase the popular phonics-based reading program at Dash into Learning.
Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program Dash into Happy. 

009 How to Have a Family of Musical Children Part 2

This episodes discusses the development of attention in children so they can become proficient musicians--plus family traditions that create an appreciation and excitement for masterpiece music. You can start before your baby is even born!
 
Purchase our delightful early learning curriculum at DashIntoLearning.com and our family centered Social Emotional Learning program at DashIntoHappy.com
 
 
 
 

008 How to Have a Family of Musical Children Part 1

Ever wondered the secrets to getting children to practice their instrument? Joan is a mother of seven musical children and Amelia is the mom of four kids who are learning instruments. And they are sharing some time tested strategies to inspire your child to practice.
 
See our popular phonics based reading program for kids here at DashintoLearning.com
See our popular emotional resilience program for families here at DashintoHappy.com
 
 
Show Notes
Benefits
Composer studies via Charlotte MasonClassical music interactive long term cultural traditionBeethoven instead of white noiseJunk music can undermine love of classical musicExpose your children to the repertoire that they will be learning so they will have         an “Aha”moment with the music.Music can change the flow of composition when making artMusic skills can be enjoyed for a lifetimeStrong links between learning an instruments and academic successImparts discipline for study or concentrationClassical music is rigorous but provides a foundation for other types of music                  study.Attention is like a muscle that can be developed — music is a vehicle to develop           capacity for attentionHow to prime the pump so kids will want to make music.During pleasurable events— traveling, cuddling, dinner, tea partiesClassical music as a repellant for vagrantsLullabies and pre birth musicA speech therapist said Amelia’s child would never learn music but Amelia proved         her wrongDon’t watch a lot of TV but could choose some great classical performers on YouTube to watch.As children fall asleepPrep children for attending the symphony by having kids listen to the music                    beforehandDon’t stay for the whole concert if it’s too long.Symphonies for families, kids, or include ballet.How to actually start teaching musicEstablish habits of obedience BEFORE they start taking lessons. But sometimes                 you can swap chores for practice on the instruments.You can start a 3 year old on violin or piano but it will take longer and cost more             money than starting a 5 year old.Don’t compare your child to others.If you have no musical background you might want to start at age 7-10 so the                child can retain instruction from the teacher.Parents need to attend every lesson and either video or take great notes.Less driving than sports.Find the very best teacher you can afford who can teach proper technique.Don’t be afraid to drive an hour for a superior teacher. Show great respect to the           teacher.This takes a sacrifice on part of parents.Don’t complain to teacher about the cost. Universities can be a good resource for         good teaching.Start music lessons in the summer when they are not overloaded with school. Don’t take summers off from lessons.You only have to practice on the days you eat.Make it part of your family culture.After the first year or so, your child can really bloom.Be excited for all their little winsRecord them and send videos to family.Friend from South KoreaParents role is to be the assistant teacher or practice buddyStart with 3 minutes multiple times a day for a 3 year old.For a total beginner start with as many minutes as they are old.Don’t expect your child to practice independently until about 4th or 5th grade.Start weaning off parent lesson attendance about age 10. By age 12 they should           be practice independently.
Some ideas to make fun:1.Divide the goals into very small tasks2. Gamify the practice3. Tiny treats like goldfish or tic tacs4. Practice for spins. Delayed gratification.5. Jump rope with rhymes6. Hand clapping games7. Read a page of a story book8. Tell true stories and stop at cliff hangers9. Closer and closer game10. Board games11. Ball into a basket12. Progressive drawing13. Hang man and tick tac toe14. Doing music can help you develop a relationship and make memories15. You can learn to repair the relationship while they are on the bench.16. Never make practicing a punishment.17. Make the rewards to be almost instantaneous.18. The most important day to practice is the day right after the lesson.19. Videoed practice sessions for total beginners on Joan Landes counselor                    channel.
Next week Rob Landes Violin
 
 
 
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007 How Strength-Based Motivation can Change Your Family Life

Don't you have to criticize your kids and spouse to motivate them? The answer is "No". Learn a different strategy that will help you kick the criticism habit. 
 
Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program for kids here at DashintoHappy.com
Purchase our open-and-go homeschool curricula at DashintoLearning.com
 
Show notes:
Amelia’s experience with her new ponies
Strength-based motivation contrasted with “criticism motivation”
Creates defensivenesses 
Need to disrupt negative strategies 
Criticism is a habit of mind
“Something’s wrong here”
Strength-based motivation is good for relationships and for personal resilience
Definition of Strength-based motivation 
Example of child cleaning the kitchen poorly
“Nothing I do is ever good enough”
Laissez-faire parenting ends up in blow-ups and recriminations 
Cooperate to assist in cleaning
Volunteer to be the servant and boss
Make the process relational as you include instruction
Example 2: Being on time
Find an instance that they are already mastering
Validate the person’s strength
Invite them to apply strengths to the new situation
Find and acknowledge places that people are successful
Criticism generates defensiveness
Express faith and offer a support system
Shaping behavior as a factor in strength based motivation 
Definition of shaping behavior
Freshman psychology class shaping behavior of professors 
Don’t wait for perfection to reinforce behavior
Amelia’s example of her daughter’s attitude
Have conversation with daughter when she’s not upset
A reminder cue 
Solution-focused approach
What can you keep doing that created the good results 
Most of us use criticism 90% of time 
Strength-based motivation could be 90% of motivation 
This strategy can be used in all relationships regather than shaming and failure
Gossiping and complaining 
Say 3 nice things about that person or situation instead 
When children are whining or complaining ask 
What’s right about this situation?
Then process what needs to change. 
Teach and train before the negative behavior occurs. 
Intentionally teach beforehand rather than just catching a child in a bad situation. 
This strengthens the attachment relationship
After a difficult situation you can ask your child to find 3 good things about the difficult situation 
This helps your family culture to be more positive

006 Is Your Child a Praise Junkie?

Show notes week 6 is your child a Praise Junkie? 
 
Definition of "Praise Junkie"
One of the downsides of positive parenting 
Cultural backdrop of overpraising children: 
◦ BF skinner research in positive reinforcement in 1920s
◦ Definitions of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, Punishment
◦ Permissive parenting in the 1960s as a pendulum shift
◦ Motivating with positive reinforcement schedules rather than negative reinforcement or punishment. 
◦ Self esteem movement— can be taken too far and create narcissistic traits. 
◦ Self-confidence comes from competence and skills especially for boys. Empty Praise without achievement causes child to doubt their parent because the child understands the truth. 
◦ Filling Mother’s needs for validation (generally the Mom!) 
◦ Trophies for everyone on the team
 
Problems: 
◦ Praise loses its effectiveness over time and must be increased to get initial effect
◦ Kids can become dependent
◦ Older kids can become dismissive of a parental praise
◦ Children experience the world as strangely harsh and non-supportive compared to parents’ constant fix of praise
◦ But human brains are much more easily motivated by fear than reward, so if we only use positive reinforcement we have an unnecessarily big job.
◦ Human brains perceive pain and pleasure in relative terms—- so without a counterbalance to pleasure, a brain has difficulty sensing pleasure. 
◦ Overpraising also orients the child to external validation rather than internal validation. It leaves them vulnerable to the opinions of others (either good or bad) 
◦ Charlotte Mason quote about internal validation
 
Solutions
◦ Praise less effusively and less often. Make your praise a more valued commodity 
◦ Model self-validation
◦ Give the child permission : “I would be proud of myself! Are you proud of yourself?”
◦ Give them the words for self validation, “I’ll bet you feel very accomplished, very proud of yourself— eh?”
◦ Ask for introspection : “How does it feel to have accomplished that ? Kinda awesome?”
◦ After an accomplishment ask: “What do you think? “ If they hesitate a great deal, say “If I were you I’d be amazed at myself!” Or another adverb: proud, happy, hopeful, satisfied, ecstatic, pleased.” Be curious.
◦ When kids say I don’t know
◦ Use understated body language: a smile, a wink, Pat on the shoulder, thumbs up, nod of the head. Save the touchdown celebration for something miraculous 
◦ Research shows many high achieving families (Tiger Mothers) use a great deal of shame associated with disappointing parents. Instead we should let our attachment relationship provide the motivation not to disappoint. 
◦ Research also shows a great way that some cultures motivate children is two fold: 1.Tell the child they are gifted in some way.
2. Because of that gift, they must not waste their talent. And that they can always do a little better.